IT’S HOLIDAY SEASON AND THE TIME FOR GIFT-GIVING. Please enjoy a list of Christmas gifts I’d like to give. They’re all cost-free – a very good thing in these times.
Michelle Obama – A better dress designer and a promise to NOT redecorate the White House
Madonna – Healthy weight gain
George Bush – BBQ Rib slabs and jeans
Laura Bush – A long trip of her choosing with her girlfriends
Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin – A non-sexist world to live in
The Media – Lessons on objectivity
ABC-TV – A smack in the mouth for firing Brooke Smith off “Grey’s Anatomyâ€
The Internet – Fact-checking
Liza Minnelli – Laryngitis
Osama Bin Laden – One way ticket to Hell
Julia Roberts – A really good new movie role
Mel Gibson – A menorah
Victoria “Posh†Beckham – One-way ticket to anywhere other than the U.S.
Nancy Pelosi – Humility
Amy Winehouse – Sobriety
Balthazar Getty – A week in public stocks
Sienna Miller – A chastity belt
GORE VIDAL WAS IN L.A. RECENTLY AND HIS MOUTH RAN OFF DIVINELY UNCONTROLLABLY. I was there to hear it all myself. Hang on………
If you read dead people like Montaigne, Plato, Aristotle, they whisper to you.
Teaching has ruined more writers than alcohol.
Susan Sontag – She called herself the expert on the French new novel. She couldn’t speak French and she faked everything.
Americans are not prone to wit. A witty American woman is the devil incarnate.
George Bush – He’s a little four-flusher. You can get away with anything in America. P.T. Barnum is their saint. When in doubt they just steal elections. Bush couldn’t have had anything to do with 9/11. It was too brilliant a strategy. It will take two or three generations to fix the Bush damage.
Gay marriage just opens the door to more criminal activity for the Federal government (taxes).
Wm. F. Buckley – I loathed him. I wanted to break his head in to watch the moths fly out.
Obama – He’s perfectly respectable. Lincoln wasn’t all that much either when he first got around.
JFK was one of the funniest people who ever lived. He was very witty.
President Garfield could have a book written in English in front of him, and then a blank pad on either side. He had a pen in each hand, and simultaneously he would translate it into Greek on the left and Latin on the right…..so like President Bush.
