While writing about local, state, and federal issues affecting the Santa Monica Bay, I also offer my time and services to advocate for a flimsy, polyurethane friend of mine. Since he cannot type or speak for himself, I write for him. State Sen. Ted Lieu (D-Santa Monica) would understand, since he speaks for those who have no voice: the animals. Today, I write on behalf of another creation, the plastic bag, and their spokesman, Carry.
“My name is Carry, and I am a plastic bag. Today, I am all wrinkled up about the trends taking over the Santa Monica Bay. Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, and Malibu have all banned me and my plastic peers from their cities. Los Angeles also implemented its own “plastic bag ban”. Plastic bags have already been banned in Great Britain, and Rhode Islanders have already discussed getting rid of us, as well. Now local papers advocated for a state-wide plastic bags ban.
“Why are some many people turning into anti-plastic-ites? What did we ever do to harm the residents of the Santa Monica Bay? Apparently, a ruthless minority of environmental terrorists want to get rid of us, claiming that we pollute the ocean and the streets, that we are to blame for the large patches of trash in the seas and the untimely deaths of creatures who inadvertently eat us. In reality, it’s not our fault. Some of us belong to total losers who refuse to treat us as proper refuse when they use us. Yet all of these lies have spread throughout Southern California, and as everyone knows: “Repeat a lie often enough, and people will start to believe it.”
“I believe that city leaders want to appear as if they are “doing something”, even though they are struggling to pay their bills, reform their pensions and benefits obligations, or even ease the tax burdens on their citizens. Instead of solving real problems, they have created another one to distract the voters from their own incompetence.
“For decades, my polyurethane brethren and I have provided convenience and cleanliness to all Santa Monica Bay residents. As make-shift trash cans for the front seat of small sedans, as make-shift lunch bags for workers on the go, and make-shift toilet for residents who walk their dogs, we have done much good, letting ourselves be used as owners see fit.
“By banning plastic bags, cities force residents to bring their own cloth bags, which get dirty and smelly, carrying disease and destruction in their sad sack bottoms. More brown bags means more dead trees and more waste, too. Of course, men and women who choose to use brown papers bags have to pay more. Why do cities feel compelled to ban us and force consumers to pay more for their groceries? The recession may be over, but the recovery has barely begun, and getting rid of us plastic bags is only making it harder for working families.
“We plastic bags are tired of being put in the bottom of the garbage can. We are tired of looking at the signs on grocery stores which read: “Brown Bags Only”. We demand respect, and we demand recognition for the much good we have done for the community.
“As a plastic-American, I have rights which every flesh-and-blood American is bound to respect. For months, I have said nothing. No more! It’s time that all Santa Monica Bay residents accepted us, not just tolerated us, then segregate us, only to expel us once and for all. We are more than the assumed see-through substance. We are not just empty sacks who will sit back and endure this sacking to our self-esteem. The city-sponsored bans of plastic bags cannot continue. This violation of our rights can no longer be tolerated.
“In February, flesh-and-blood Americans celebrate “Black History Month” and “Valentine’s Day”. I think that we plastic bags also deserve a “Plastic Bag Love and Appreciation Month.” To celebrate, residents who are tired of their cities’ nanny-ninny overreaching should demand that their city leaders rescind their misguided micromanaging. Cities should end the bad bag ban, then take back other “green initiatives” which take away the “green” as in money from local businesses and residents.
“Plastic bags represent convenience and caring. I, Carry the Plastic Bag, can only do so much. I need all like-minded, caring voters in the Santa Monica Bay to speak up for me and my plastic peers.
“My name is Carry, and I am a plastic bag. My plastic kind and I deserve to be treated with respect, and we refuse to be treated like refuse. I will be as uncompromising as truth and as harsh as justice, and I WILL BE HEARD!”
At this point, Carry started melting with rage, he was so emotional. I was able to calm him down, for now. Please, Santa Monica Bay residents, undo the unjust plastic bag ban. Do it for Carry. Do it because you care. Let Carry carry himself with self-respect and dignity once again, and welcome him back to your stores.
